OUTGROWING & LIVING FREE OF FEAR, DISHONESTY, SELF-PITY & RESENTMENT—JUST AS I HAVE DONE, AND AM DOING, WITH LUST—BY CONSISTENTLY SURRENDERING THEM IMMEDIATELY TO JESUS CHRIST—AND BY FOCUSING ON WHAT HE AND OUR FATHER WOULD HAVE ME BE, DO & BELIEVE—EVERY TIME THEY ARISE:
With over two years of solid recovery and sobriety, I am still hounded by self-pity, resentment and fear. I want to be done with them.
It is clear to me now that my addiction was my solution for these tyrannical character defects. I'm addicted to them just as much as I ever was to anything else. Now that I cannot cover or avoid them with my addiction, they have become increasingly obvious, painful and problematic.
When I am in resentment, self-pity, or fear, I am worthless to myself and others; and I make it practically impossible for God to help me.
I want to be done with them. I choose to surrender them one day, one moment at a time, and to let Jesus bear them for me, give me reprieve from them, and replace them with what He wants for me.
In order to help me do this, I will write about my recovery journey every day. And, I will share it with the world.
Here is something I wrote last night while searching 12 Step literature for anything that can help me outgrow fear...
He's done it for others, and He will do it for me.
He has fulfilled the promises of the 12 steps for others, and He will do it for me.
All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
Step One helps [me] understand my predicament: my obsession with myself—manifested in my [self-centered fear, self-
protecting and self-seeking dishonesty, self-pity, self-seeking resentment, and selfish lust]—drove [my] thinking, always leading to progressively worse acting-out behaviors....[I] am absolutely powerless over [fear, dishonesty, self-pity, resentment and lust] and [over] the devastation [they cause] in [my life].
Step Two promises that a source of power outside [myself] can give [me] relief from [my self-inflicted misery by freeing me from bondage to myself—by freeing me from my [self-centered fear, self-
protecting and self-seeking dishonesty, self-pity, self-seeking resentment, and selfish lust]; and, that this power will do so if I become willing to trust it and to go to any length to let it.
[I accept that I] will always be powerless over [fear, dishonesty, self-pity, resentment and lust] and that I may always be subject to their temptation. [I see] that it's alright to be tempted [...] as [I] can get the power to overcome. The fear of [my] vulnerability will gradually diminish as [I] stay sober, continually practice surrender, and work the Steps.
[I now] see that there's no power [in advance] over the craving [or temptation] to go into fear, self-deceit, self-seeking, self-pity, resentment, or lust; [I] have to [surrender and apply the principles of the steps] each time the temptation arises. Therefore, each temptation, every time [I] want to [go] into [self-centered fear, self-protecting and self-seeking dishonesty, self-pity, self-deceiving resentment, or selfish lust], is a gift toward recovery, healing, and freedom—another opportunity to change [my] attitude and [find and receive] union with God.
It is clear that I am insane. I cause pain to myself and others—especially to those I should love and protect most: Rebekah and our children—under the influence of drugs that are self-generated: fear, dishonesty, self-pity, resentment, and lust. If any behavior or thinking is insane, mine is.
Thankfully, Step Two assures me that Heavenly Father is ready, willing, and able to give me a daily and hourly reprieve from all of my character defects, including my [self-centered fear, self-
protecting and self-seeking dishonesty, self-pity, self-seeking resentment, and selfish lust].
Heavenly Father, thank you for being patient and forgiving. Thank you for loving me unconditionally just as I am; for always being on my side and giving me what I need to learn, triumph and grow; for empowering me to love and trust you instead of worrying and trying to control everything; and for awakening me to Your way of life and to Impossible Joy.
Thank you for Jesus, and for His bearing [my self-centered fear, self-
protecting and self-seeking dishonesty, self-pity, self-seeking resentment, and selfish lust] for me, so that I don't have to, because I can't. They destroy me and make me useless and even dangerous to myself and others. Thank you for giving me a daily and hourly reprieve from my insane thinking and behavior.
(Note, anyone who is at all familiar with 12 Step literature should be able to tell that most of this comes straight of the texts, but has been modified slightly to make it relevant to me and my recovery.)