I surrender my lack of feeling safe to You, Jesus/Father.
I don’t remember ever feeling safe. As a little boy, I never really felt safe. My dad was not able to help me feel safe. He really wanted to, and did his best, but he didn’t know how. It had never been modeled for him by his parents.
Then I was molested. I didn’t feel safe enough to tell anyone. I didn’t feel worthy enough for you to keep me safe and I wasn’t confident that I could trust anyone else to keep me safe.
Since then I have lived my life in the pursuit of safety—often seeking it in unhealthy, counterproductive or harmful ways. Many times, when I had to choose between keeping myself safe and doing what I thought was right, I chose to do whatever I felt was necessary to keep myself safe.
This safety-at-all-costs way of approaching life may have worked as a little boy, but it stopped working a long time ago. It doesn’t work in the grown up world this little-boy-trapped-in-a-man’s-body must live in.
It has got me into the desperate situation I am now in. It is the main cause of all of my problems and difficulties.
In the past, I never felt safe because I was always always worried that my ability to provide couldn’t keep up with the needs of my family. I worried that something would happen that would destroy my ability to provide. I felt this way because I had no boundaries around money, because my identity was so enmeshed with my ability to provide and with how well I provided, because I couldn’t discuss money with my wife, and because I felt that providing was up to me but that I really didn’t have what it takes—that no matter how well I appeared to be doing, that I really didn’t have what it takes, that things would eventually fall apart, and that I would eventually be revealed for the failure I always was.
Today, I don’t feel safe because we have no money; I have no employment and no good possibilities for employment; my recent efforts to build profitable companies have not paid off; and our lease ends in about 5 months. It seems that the success of my family depends entirely on me making money—a lot of money—soon. Unless things change, we won’t have a place to live, my wife won’t be able to continue her schooling, and my children will either be living on the street, taken by DHS, or be split up to live among relatives and friends.
My ability to feel safe is tied into my ability to provide for my family and how well I provide for them. I feel that the society and community and culture I am part of judges a man heavily based on how well he provides for his family. How well he provides is one of the main pillars of his reputation. I also feel that a man’s reputation and place in society is largely based on the success of his family—or at least on the appearance of success of his family. This is the second main pillar of his reputation. In my society and community and culture, a man is respected if he is—or at least appears to be—financially and domestically successful. If he is unemployed, destitute, or divorced, his reputation suffers and, therefore, his place in society is in danger.
I feel that if I cannot provide for my family, that my family would be better off without me. I feel that the church and family and the government would be more empathetic and understanding and willing to help my wife and our children if I were out of the picture; but, with me in the picture they can’t be empathetic or understanding or patient. It isn’t that they wouldn’t want to be empathetic or understanding; it is that they just can’t—the lessons that our culture has inculcated into them make it nearly impossible. “Why is she still with that loser.” “I’m not going to enable her to continue being married to a man like that.” “As long as she is married or at least not separated, it is his job to provide, not the church’s.” “If she’s going to stay married to him, she has to face the consequences.”
I surrender all of this to You, and I surrender my fear that it will all come to pass to You. I surrender my fear that I will continue to not be able to provide for my family, and that my family will fall apart and I will lose my wife and our children—all because I am unable to provide for them. I surrender all of this to You!
Jesus/Father, I don’t have the power or ability to care for or provide for our family; but, You do. Please take care of and provide for my family. Please enable me to help you care for and provide for my family. Please give me the knowledge and power that are required to carry out whatever tasks and role you assign me.
I surrender the fact that I need to feel safe, but I don’t feel safe, to You, Jesus/Father.
I surrender the fact that for me to feel safe, I need to feel that my wife and our children will be safe.
I choose to trust You whether I feel safe or not. I choose to trust You whether I feel that my wife and our children are safe or not.
I surrender my need and desire to feel safe, and to feel that my wife and our children will be safe, to You, Jesus/Father.
Jesus/Father, I want my wife and our children to feel safe, please help me help them feel safe.
Jesus/Father, I want my wife and our children to feel safe more than I need to feel safe. Please help me help them feel safe.
Father/Jesus, I am willing to do anything and everything You need me to do so they can feel safe. Please tell me what You want me to do so they can feel safe, and please give me the power to do it.
I ask for this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.